{a glimpse}

IMG_63002I’d like to start this post off by saying I don’t want this to come across as a “woe is me” sob story. It’s not a post I really wanted to even write and share, (because, being vulnerable is hard) but the Lord has continued to lay it on my heart. I’m starting to see that when He wants me to do something instead of arguing, I should just go with what he says. I’d save myself a lot of time. Over 5 months ago I wrote a post called {little blessings}. (I encourage you to go and read it if you haven’t already before you continue on with this one) In it I talked about how God had taught me a lot over the first of 2013. That too often I let fear and worry rule my life. I finally came to the place of what I thought was complete surrender to him.

IMG_6288SPOILER ALERT: I hadn’t

“I want to stand before my Jesus with open hands, but to often I stand with clenched fists. Willing to trust him with most, but not willing to trust with everything. That’s what my actions far to often convey to Him.”

I wrote the above with the desire to do just that. To stand before my Jesus with open hands.

quailIMG_6290In that moment….

It was joy so pure. I was high on life, on love, and most importantly Jesus. I had chosen to live my life with hands wide open before him.
Then, it all came crashing down.
Heartbreak.
Pain that cuts deep.
Bewilderment.
Wondering why? Why me? I thought this is what you wanted from me Jesus? I finally came to the point I thought I had completely surrendered to you? An then, everything crashes down around me? Everything I loved was being taken from me. Or so it seemed to my broken human mind. It wasn’t the end of my story. Oh no, God wasn’t finished, but I was to hard headed to see. I became angry. I wanted to pull into myself, not let anyone in again. Satan tried to tell me people weren’t worth it. It wasn’t worth letting someone get close just so they could leave. It wasn’t worth it to pour into someone else’s life.
It wasn’t worth it to love. It cost too much. Cut too deeply.
He was wrong.

IMG_6298One of my friends who knew I was struggling gave me this verse. I read it as tears streamed down my face.

“Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
  do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:1-8

It was like water on my dry and hurting heart.

IMG_6294IMG_6313Over and over it felt like he was stripping away all that was important to me.
Until, it was only He that remained.
You see, He wanted me completely. He wanted to see if I was truly willing to stand before him hands wide open. Down on my knees crying out for help only He can give. I can’t do this thing called life on my own. No matter how much I want to.
I. Need. Him.
Through all the pain He has became my joy.
He has became my love.
I’ve never tasted anything so pure or fulfilling.

IMG_6546 IMG_65455 months later I’ve still wondered why…But with that wondering, I came to the place where it was okay that I didn’t know. I don’t need to know everything, knowing that Jesus knows best was enough. I thought that chapter in my life was over and done with.

Then it happened.

A chance for forgiveness.

A chance to extend love.

Instead of anger.

Christ’s love.

A chance for grace.

A glimpse.

A glimpse behind the curtain of God’s master Plan.

Finally I’m at peace.

I’ve let go.

I see that He knows best. That this journey of life is full of never ending learning. Letting go isn’t something I’ll just do once and boom it’s good for life. No. It’s something I have to do over and over. There will always be heartbreak and pain around the corner. We live in a fallen world. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how many seasons of learning He takes us through, He isn’t finished with us. Until we see Him face to face there will always be something more He wants to teach us. It’s a process.
We don’t always get to see the master plan, often we’ll have to wait until we reach heaven to fully understand what He was doing. For now, I’m so thankful he let me see a small glimpse.

Please

Don’t ever, ever underestimate the power of forgiveness when done a great wrong. After all, hasn’t Christ forgiven us so much more?

In Him,

Tressa

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6 thoughts on “{a glimpse}

  1. awwww my sweet girl! Life…..you have handled this trial as I knew you would! Jesus was faithful as He was weaving a golden thread through your tapestry set before you. There will be many colored threads….woven…….the red and gold will be the ones seen the most…so thankful you chose forgiveness…..but I knew you would! Love you as high as the sky! Momma

    • Thanks for reading! He has shown me a lot over this last year. It’s not always easy, but I’m finding more and more that it’s always worth it to listen to Him. I’ve been incredibly blessed with godly parents who have taught me the truth and gave me a good foundation to build on.

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